I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
