Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
