how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize