I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Fuck appropriateness.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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