So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Randomize
