the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
