I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize