so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
