dude i'm inner monologue high
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
