Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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