I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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