I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize