You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
