So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize