ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Randomize
