My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
