I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
