I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
