bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize