If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
