genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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