And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
