she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
