i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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