why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
