Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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