I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
