you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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