my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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