My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
