Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
