Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
