bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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