the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I still have a little drunk in my system
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
