tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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