Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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