I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
