my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
