Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize