Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
