"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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