he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
