Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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