So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
it's great music for shaving your balls
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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