What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
