Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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