And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
