i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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