Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize