there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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