I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
two words: eviction party
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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