woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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