So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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