Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
