I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
