Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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