it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
