You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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