Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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