my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
This is classic penis vs brain.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize