Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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