woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
