shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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