Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
